


Something to Consider

by nahbro



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, DRYING JIZZ, Frottage, Harry's mouth, M/M, Sexual Confusion, but it gets better, i guess, inner turmoil, it's sort of sad, right - Freeform, someone help me tag this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-30
Updated: 2014-06-30
Packaged: 2018-02-06 20:03:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1870617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nahbro/pseuds/nahbro
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Niall was stricken.  Niall was also tipsy.  He wasn't thinking about Harry that way at all, he murmured.  It’s just that he was a lot of fun, and really sweet, and the way his stupid curls fell into his face was so pretty, and the way he rubbed at his mouth when he thought about something made Niall's stomach flip, and then that thing where he'd touched his knee to ask Niall if he wanted a refill on his pint and Niall popped a semi.  Okay.  So he was a lil tipsy and maybe a lil into Harry as well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Something to Consider

**Author's Note:**

> soooo this started as an aside paragraph in something else I've been writing but then it kept growing and demanded to become its own thing, WHOOPS

Niall wasn't out of the closet, exactly, but a handful of people in his life knew he was gay. Or bi? He wasn't completely sure yet, to be honest. He’d had a pretty serious girlfriend through most of high school, and growing up Catholic in Ireland had made sexual fluidity seem like a myth. It wasn't that he'd been raised to be homophobic (although he did know a fair amount of those kinds of people), it's just that his town was so traditional and hetero it made every other option seem ludicrous due to the sheer foreignness of it. Niall didn't even meet an openly gay person until he'd visited his cousin in London one year over the fall holidays. He'd been about 16 at the time, and his cousin Deo and all of his uni friends were older and cooler than him, enjoying the big city in their early twenties. Deo's roommate Nick was a super friendly life-of-the-party type who worked at the uni radio station, and he was openly gay. At first Niall had been shocked at all the honesty ("date again tonight; last bloke had a cock that was absolutely SMASHING but was dumb as a rock. This new one's into philosophy--no, no, I KNOW, but he's got yummy abs and great big fingers, so wish me luck, all!!"), but then realized it was nothing that different than what he might hear his friends at home say about the opposite sex. He’d been ashamed to learn that his worldview was a little narrower than he realized, and so went home feeling enlightened.

He thought back to when he visited Deo again on bank holidays, when he was able to meet Nick's new boyfriend ("name's Liam, m'studying philosophy") and see how happy they were with one another. Not that he was unhappy with his girlfriend, but he watched the light banter and easy kisses and it just seemed different, somehow. He wanted something like that. 

One night partway through his stay, the whole group went out to a pub and Niall met one of Nick's friends, Harry. Harry was around his age, although he seemed older because of how easily he seemed to charm everyone that crossed his path. Harry had hair that was too long and a mouth that was too big and impossibly green eyes. It was like there was a magnetic energy around him that was impossible to avoid. Harry joked and chatted with everyone, laughing easily and revealing an incredible set of dimples.   
Niall was on his third pint and didn't even realize he'd been staring until he felt Nick nudge him. "Go for it," he whispered, winking. "Harry seems daft but he's a great guy!" Niall was stricken. Niall was also tipsy. He wasn't thinking about Harry that way at all, he murmured. It’s just that he was a lot of fun, and really sweet, and the way his stupid curls fell into his face was so pretty, and the way he rubbed at his mouth when he thought about something made Niall's stomach flip, and then that thing where he'd touched his knee to ask Niall if he wanted a refill on his pint and Niall popped a semi. Okay. So he was a lil tipsy and maybe a lil into Harry as well. Something to consider.

They left the pub at an hour that was late enough for Deo to convince Harry to crash at their flat instead of going home all the way across town. Niall had sobered up by this time but was conscious of the fact that his other feelings hadn't gone away. He was freaking out. Of course when they got in, Deo and his girlfriend passed out in his room, Liam and Nick passed out in Nick's room, and so Harry was left to share the pullout futon with Niall in the living room.   
Niall could feel the red flush of...embarrassment? All over his face as they both started to undress in preparation for sleep. He tried not to stare and hastily turned away when Harry caught his eye. He felt nervous and vulnerable standing there in his thin boxers, and when Harry asked what side of the mattress he wanted he shrugged and quickly sat down. Harry’s red lips were obscene and Niall was horrified to find himself wishing he could touch them, or even feel them somewhere, anywhere on his skin. He could feel another semi forming but wasn't sure he could keep it at bay this time, so he just wanted to get to sleep. 

Niall rubbed at his face and closed his eyes. "You have a girlfriend," he thought. Think of her. Yes. He could see her in his mind. Ok, yes. He could picture her face, her wavy reddish hair. He adored her. Yes. Then his concentration was broken as he felt a hand on his arm and opened his eyes; Harry was asking him something. Niall wasn't even sure of the question; he was so mesmerized again by his features. Harry looked at him intently and he couldn't help but return the gaze. He let himself really stare then, taking in all of the other boy's features and eventually landing on his mouth. The mouth was moving, repeating something Niall still couldn't hear. That mouth. He felt frozen in place but also hot all over, and as Harry began to move forward, Niall's own body betrayed him and leaned in to close the gap between them. "Yes...?" Niall opened his mouth to let the word out, and a second later Harry's mouth was right there pressing into it. Niall allowed himself a quick few seconds to be startled and scared, but then his instincts took over and he gave in to the moment. He wanted this too much.

Niall had been sexually active for a fair amount of time now, and making out with this kind of intensity wasn't a totally new thing for him, but this.... this was throwing him a little bit. The sensation of large hands running down his back was so different to the usual feeling of smaller ones, and it was a surprise to be able to press flush up against a hard flat chest as he felt nibbles move down his neck. And then- then there was the completely insane moment when he felt another dick brush against his own, his semi long ago replaced by a full-blown erection. He and Harry moaned simultaneously at the contact.   
Wait, he and Harry. Harry. Oh god oh god Harry was a boy, what was he doing?! He scrambled to move Harry's mouth off his neck --shit, he better not have left a mark, oh shit-- and found his hands in the boy's hair, tugging him upward. Harry surfaced, his green eyes hungry for more. Niall couldn't take that stare, it was overwhelming; it made his skin crawl in the best possible way. He closed his eyes. Pushing away, he lost his balance, and his back dropped flat onto the mattress. His whole body was tingling; he was practically shaking, he was so hard. He gasped and his eyes snapped open again as he felt the other boy land on top of him, rutting into the nook of Niall's groin. His breath caught in his throat and he moaned as it dawned on him he hadn't been shaking at all- his hips had actually been moving of their own accord, snapping up over and over in an effort to get some friction. Now he frantically pounded into Harry's hip, tongue messily pushing into Harry's mouth as he kissed him back in earnest. Niall had never been so turned on before, he couldn't believe it; didn't know what was happening, oh no, he must be into boys; he felt Harry grip his shoulders and he arched his back, his dick hitting the other boy's stomach. Niall moved down to better align himself, felt his hips moving automatically as he rubbed his groin up against Harry's in a frenzy; oh yes, god, he must definitely be into boys, and -- "oh goddddd," Niall choked out as he came, the phrase a mixture of intense pleasure and shame as he came down from his high and realized what had just happened.

He rolled his head to the side and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to catch his breath and recover from the magnitude of the moment. He realized his eyes were wet, but couldn’t place whether it was from the intensity of his orgasm or from the sudden realization that he might be gay. He lay still for a minute, listening to the clock tick from across the room.  
"Well I guess that answers that question," Harry beamed, breathing heavily as he flopped down beside him. Niall shrank away immediately, moving to get up. As he shifted, he felt the disgusting wetness of his boxers. He had jizzed all over them, and the slick insides stuck to his front. He could feel himself getting worked up and angry. This was a real thing that just happened, that he let happen.  
"What question?" he snapped.  
"Whether or not you were into guys," Harry said slowly, as if he were talking to a two year old.  
"What?!" Niall sputtered. He couldn't exactly challenge this statement now in the wake of this encounter. He turned his back on Harry. "I have a girlfriend," he said angrily. He could feel real tears pricking at his eyes now.  
"If you have a girlfriend then why'd you say you liked guys?" There was disbelief in Harry's voice.  
"Wh- I never said that! I did not. Say that," Niall said thickly, fighting back tears. This was so frustrating. Facts and memories of his life knocked around in his mind, seemingly all now at odds with this new statement. 'You like guys' rang in his ears and he felt like the whole world was crashing down around him.  
"Earlier you kept looking at me, and I kind of hinted- I asked you if you liked guys or girls. You stared at me and I asked again if you were into guys and you said yes..." There was a kind of hurt in Harry's voice now, and Niall was definitely going to start crying for real so he got up from the futon and went straight to the bathroom, locking himself in. 

He left the light off because he didn't want to see, couldn't bear to see himself in the mirror. He pressed his back against the door and let the tears fall, trying to be quiet as he started to choke on shallow breaths. Niall wasn't sure how loud he and Harry had been before, and he didn't want to wake anyone up now with overly loud crying. He moved through the dim light coming from the window and turned on the shower. He peeled off his clothes and stood under the water, washing off the stickiness and wishing all the shittiness and confusion he felt could wash away too.  
It didn’t take long for him to start uncontrollably shivering (the water was cold- of course he had to turn on just the cold), so he jumped out and shut off the tap, reaching for a towel. Niall wouldn't say the shower made him feel better, but he reasoned things were marginally less shitty because at least he was clean. He dried off and balled up his soiled boxers in his t-shirt. Just as he was about to consider braving his reflection in the light, he heard a tapping at the door. He jumped and opened it a crack to listen. "Ya?" he whispered. Of course it was Harry.  
"Niall...?" he began weakly. It sounded like he'd been crying as well. "Niall do you think I could get in there...so I could...so I could wash off?"  
Niall felt like shit then, because amidst his own sexuality crisis he hadn't even considered if Harry was going through a similar thing. Now he felt bad, even more awful than before, if that was possible, because evidently Harry did not do this kind of thing all the time either.  
"'Course," was all Niall could muster. He opened the door and brushed by Harry quickly. He was aware then of just how rude he'd been and was embarrassed by it; not to mention embarrassed for Harry, who had clearly been waiting around outside the bathroom, undoubtedly with his own underwear filled with drying jizz. Niall felt terrible.  
"Thanks," Harry said softly, and the door clicked shut behind him. Niall stood still for a moment, and heard the same sounds of a head thunking against the door and quiet, labored crying. He did not hear the snick of the light switch. Niall tightened the towel around his waist and quietly padded back to the living room.

He put on a fresh shirt and boxers, and got a plastic bag from the kitchen for his soiled ones. After a second's hesitation he grabbed a bag for Harry as well. He left the small kitchen nook and got to properly making the bed-- they hadn't made it that far. He put the spare plastic bag on Harry's side of the futon, and then realized since Harry was just crashing for the night he didn't have a change of clothes. Niall's heart sank even lower as he realized once again exactly how shitty he'd been. He hated letting people down. It was in his nature to please everyone and he never wanted to be the source of someone's distress. He took another pair of boxers out of his duffel along with a plain white t-shirt, and put them in the plastic bag he'd taken from the kitchen. The shower was still running when he tiptoed over to the bathroom, so he hung the bag on the doorknob and returned to the makeshift bed.

Maybe it was because he'd finally been hit with how exhausted he was, but Niall was half asleep by the time Harry emerged from the bathroom. The boy slowly moved across the living room, and Niall cracked open his eyes. "Hi," he said groggily. Harry didn't meet his eye and didn't answer, which Niall figured he fully deserved. He heard Harry drop the plastic bag beside the futon, and watched him as he tried to settle under the blankets. It was a really shitty mattress, and Harry shifted around a few times before landing on his back in the same position as Niall. He sighed shakily and laid still.

"I’m sorry," Niall whispered. Harry still didn't respond, and Niall turned his head to look at him. The other boy's eyes were trained on the ceiling. "Know I was an arse, m'sorry, really," Niall murmured again. "This was... This is still new to me, and m'not as brave as you, so..."  
"Brave?" Harry mused. He finally turned to look at Niall and his face twisted through five different expressions at once, landing on puzzled. "How do you figure?"  
"Well for starters, you're super confident, and you already know what- what you want," Niall began. "And you're sure enough of yourself that you just let yourself go after it."  
"I don't see it that way, mate... I've never really done this for real and was so nervous I was reading you wrong," Harry said shyly. "And then you kept staring at me and breathing heavy and your cheeks were so flushed I got distracted. I tried asking you permission, basically, and finally when you started to say yes I just went for it. It was such a relief when you started kissing me back, and then you went crazy and were all over me so I just sort of went with it?"  
"Crazy all over you?" Niall snorted quietly. "I was not," he puffed with faint indignation. Then he remembered how he'd basically licked all over Harry's face and mercilessly humped on his leg and so he started to laugh. It was that really silent kind of laugh where you cant breathe and you're barely taking in any air. He was so overtired. Harry started giggling too, the laughter bubbling up to a volume that made him clamp his hand over his mouth. God forbid they wake anyone up.  
"Well, sorry again, mate," Niall repeated giddily.  
"It's fine," Harry sighed, laughter quieting. "So I guess we might be into guys then...?" He waggled his eyebrows at Niall and they dissolved into laughter again, muffling the sounds into their pillows. "Thanks for the clothes," he then said, more seriously.  
"Thanks for being understanding," Niall replied. He slowly reached out and threaded his fingers with Harry's under the blanket. Harry squeezed his hand in return.  
"No problem," Harry whispered, and they stared at one another, silently falling into their own thoughts until they both finally fell asleep.

***

The next morning (well, afternoon) when the rest of the apartment started to wake, Niall opened his eyes to find Harry already looking at him. "Hi..." he began uncertainly. Niall leaned in wordlessly and kissed him tenderly on the mouth, trying to telegraph his intent. He was too tired to speak just yet but wanted to make sure Harry knew everything was okay between them. When he pulled back, the worry was gone from Harry's face and Niall knew the message was well received. He smiled, stretching his back and sitting up.

Deo, Nick, and Liam filed into the room just as Harry had moved to put on his pants. "Hey kiddos, how was the night?" Deo asked.   
"All right?" Nick asked, searching their faces. There seemed to be extra concern in his eyes and Niall looked away.  
"Ya, all right," Niall answered.  
"Ni what are these garbage bags, is this clothes?" Deo called from the other side of the room.   
"Uhhh, just puke stuff," Harry quickly supplied. "Got um, kind of splattery, and I had to change out of my clothes. It's fine, I mean, sorry."  
"Mmhmmmm, children; one day you'll be able to fully handle it," Nick quipped, passing by and ruffling both the boys' heads. He stared them down and Niall felt like he knew.  
Deo's girlfriend Laura came into the room, greeting everyone, and Liam started serving up breakfast. They all ate and recounted stories of the night before, laughing as they tried to piece together a timeline. "And then at 3 o'clock, I realized I might be gay," Niall thought wryly. Shit was gonna be weird once he got home.

The time came for everyone to go, and Nick started clucking about getting Harry home at a "reasonable hour." Harry stood on the stoop with Nick and Liam, turning to say goodbye. This is it, then, Niall thought. God, is this just it then?  
"Nice meeting you Niall," Harry said with a giggle. He gave him one last stare that made Niall feel like he was being cataloged in Harry's memory.  
"For sure, you as well," Niall replied. They waved at each other awkwardly as Nick popped his sunglasses on and unlocked the car.  
"Let's goo now my underlings," he called. Niall giggled and watched them drive away, already starting to feel empty and panicky. 'Bye,' he thought again. They turned the corner out of sight and Niall's stomach turned to lead.  
"What was that weird giggle about?" Laura mused from the door. "That face Harry gave you, it was like-"  
"Ah, he's got intense looks he gives everyone," Deo said easily. "He's just a weird kid."

***

Niall had two more days left in London and wanted to squeeze in as much as possible before he had to go back to Ireland, all the while wishing he could see Harry again. Nick mentioned the next day that Harry was leaving with his family on holiday the same day Niall was headed home, and he felt defeated. He tried to enjoy himself but it wasn't the same now without that hope that he might see Harry one last time. To make matters worse, he had to get little souvenirs for his family, which just always sucks to do at the last minute. He was really dreading the trip back home now, and had no clue what to get Her. Niall wasn't even near her yet and already felt like he was being suffocated. Just the concept of her made him start to freak out. 

He settled on a cute pencil case type thing and convinced himself she'd like it. He didn't even see the big letters on the back side of the pouch until after he bought it -- "LONDON: Wish You Were Here!" Aggravated, he threw it back into his duffel as he finished packing.

On the morning he was finally due to leave, Niall was in full panic mode. He had no clue what to do once he got back. He'd be trapped. No one would know. He'd have to just live with this inside of him now, how could he tell anyone? He stood at Deo's kitchen sink and cried silently as he washed up his breakfast dishes. Fuck. This was going to be terrible. He straightened and tried to rub his eyes clean as he heard someone enter the room. "Hey!" he tried to put on a fake bright voice. It failed. He turned around to see Nick standing there.  
"Hey. You ok?" he asked. The look of concern on his face was so real that Niall lost it then, crying openly as Nick crossed the room to give him a hug. "That's what I thought, it's ok Ni. I promise it's ok. I know it might already feel like this is impossible, but you'll be fine. You have my number, alright? You can call me whenever you need." Niall nodded, sniffling, and squeezed the hug tighter. Nick was the only gay person he knew, his only possible guide, and he would be miles away.  
"I’m sorry that I actually do have to go, now, kiddo; late for work as always. Keep your head up. We'll talk soon." Niall nodded again, feeling like a bobblehead. He was at a loss for words. He waved silently as Nick left the flat. All he could do now was sit around and wait until Deo finished in the shower and then they'd be off to the airport.

Niall thought he'd calmed himself down sufficiently to make it through the rest of the day, but as soon as Deo strode into the living room and asked, "Heyo, ready for it?" the resolve he had built was gone. He could tell the worried look was back on his face, but was powerless to stop it.  
"Ey, 's'amatter?" his cousin asked. Once again, as soon as he heard the concern in his voice, Niall's face crumpled.  
"Whoa, hey, hey. I know you'll miss us here but it's nothing to get so upset about!" he tried to joke. That just made Niall cry harder, and he gasped for breath. He was embarrassed to be crying so openly again in front of someone, he was sick of sobbing in front of people and it had only been 3 days. He realized there might be many more days like this to come and he pulled himself together. Niall could probably trust Deo.  
"De," he hiccupped. His cousin stared at him with wide eyes, realizing this must actually be serious.  
"De," Niall half wailed. "Deo, I think... I’m gay." His voice wavered as he said it, realizing it was the first time he'd actually used those words aloud. He'd begun to figure it out, and say it in his head, but it was not the same as speaking the words to another person. The solidity of it was unnerving.  
"Well okay! okay, Nialler," Deo said gently. "You had me worried, I didn't know what to expect, I thought you were gonna say something really awful like someone had died-"  
"Didn't you hear?" Niall sobbed. "That's practically me, I'VE died; what the fuck am I gonna do now De, what's Da going to think, and then even worse, what's-"  
"Hey now. None of that. You're not a dead person, you're a living person." Deo drew him in for a hug. "You've got a TON of greatness in you, Niall, and you're just finding out some new things about yourself is all. Nothing has to be a big deal or spectacle unless you let it. You're my same favorite cousin as you were yesterday, and you're gonna keep on being that way tomorrow. You live your life one day at a time just like before, hear me?" He patted Niall on the back and they stood there for a few moments as Niall calmed down.  
"Unfortunately this day in time calls for us to leave for the airport, so we've got to get a move on." He smiled warmly.  
Niall let go of the breath he didn't know he'd been holding. He felt a little better now that three people knew. Three people knew! He could be his complete self with three people. He couldn't imagine what Nick felt like, never having to hide from anyone. The thought of such freedom was dizzying, and he dragged himself back to reality and over to his duffel bag, which he brought to the car.

They rode in silence, mostly, which Niall appreciated. He zoned out looking out the window, finally able to block out the clang of thoughts that had been knocking around his head for the past few days. 'One day at a time' sounded like something he would see on the sign for a fundraiser. He smirked. Deo had his heart in the right place though. 

As they neared the airport, Niall's phone buzzed in his pocket. It was a text from an unknown number. He opened it, eyes widening. "hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii this is Harry," the message read. "got your number from Nick, who managed to get it from your cousin Deo (thought his name was Steve?)." Niall giggled. Another message popped up. "Sorry... Nick kind of knows. not Everything everything though."  
"HI !" Niall wrote. "Deo knows too ! but not everything everythin." He saw the gray bubbles appear that meant Harry was typing again. He couldn’t believe he actually had his number!  
"On holiday with the fam," Harry wrote. "My sister says to stop texting my 'bros.' I corrected her and said it was someone more special. Now she thinks I’m texting a girl... ha ha," Niall read. Smiling, he texted back with a wide-eyed emoji and a rosy cheeked laughing emoji. Pretty much summed it up. He snickered.  
"[blushing face emoji] think you'll be back to London any time soon?" Harry sent.  
"Absolutely !" Niall wrote back immediately.

"Ah, he's alive," Deo said from the drivers seat. "Good thing too, since we're here. What's so funny?"  
"Just texts," Niall said. He smiled in spite of himself. One step at a time, indeed. He could see the gray bubble moving again, but decided to wait until he was alone to see the next message. First he had to say bye to Deo. "Thanks for letting me stay over," Niall said, suddenly shy as he remembered all that had transpired the past few days.  
"Please, think nothing of it; you know you're always welcome here. Thanks for you know.. sharing with me. I realize it must be a hard thing to do, coming out like that, so I’m honored to be one of the first people you've trusted with this. You're brave, mate. Love you." Deo leaned over and gave Niall a tight hug.   
Niall blushed with the seriousness of the statement. "Well..one day at a time, eh Deo?" He started to laugh. This was suddenly hilarious and his new favorite phrase. Deo rolled his eyes.  
"Oho, glad to see you back to your cackling arsehole self. Safe flight, Nialler." He smiled and hugged him again, and Niall climbed out of the car with his bag, waving as he watched the car disappear. He had a moment of bittersweet deja vu as he walked into the terminal. Last time he waved at a car he thought he'd never see one of those passengers ever again. Luckily it seemed like now they'd for sure reunite, and Niall was beyond excited. No matter what happened at home now, he at least had a real mini network of people who understood him, and something to look forward to on his next trip back.

He took his phone out again to see Harry's last sent messages. There was only one.  
"can't wait," it said.


End file.
